August 2008
2 posts
highlow:
I despise ad reps. Sorry if you are one, but some of the ones I know are the most horrible, condescending people I’ve ever met. On that note, today is the first day in a long time I’ve felt like I was really doing my job well.
July 2008
9 posts
OH MY GOD I JUST OVERHEARD ONE OF THE HANGRIEST BITCHES I HAVE EVER SEEN FULLY ADMIT THAT SHE IS “PULLING ANOREXIA, WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE”
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW
SICK SAD WORLD.
THAT IS ALL, I CAN GO HOME NOW.
“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ‘em, ‘Certainly I...”
– Theodore Roosevelt
this is going to sound so awful but do you ever just sometimes want to shove balled up oily rags in the mouths of “aw shucks” kind of people when they won’t stop golly gee’ing the shit out of every fucking comment that leaks from their lips? i was going to say balled up underwear but those wouldn’t take the flames as well after you set them on fire.
so I am in the middle of writing a somewhat-important email this morning, and my headphones are on, to drown out the incessant chatter of two girls I work by, which is usually polluting my workspace. still, I hear, “[name redacted]? [name redacted]?” I turn to my side and see that a girl who sits near me is trying to get my attn. I pull a headphone out of one ear and respond to her....
From the Corporate Infiltrator mailbag, a reader writes in:
HA! You’re George Carlin meets Dilbert. You’re swell. Beep.
Bless you, dear reader.
she replies again, and kills me.
Looked at the section analysis- how did we get 11 pages is some things just a bit odd since we only run even pages…
learn english, and then learn math.
this is a great example of a typical email from...
bolding done by me
Hi,
Correct me if you are wrong but I think you have something like this all broken down—-and updated…please let me know and if you can provide me with this information.
Also if this is updated once a month etc. if you can provide all the information on where to find this- Jon will want to get access to this from time to time easily if he is approached by Vicci...
On Napping
mallisser:
Taking a nap at home to break up a boring Saturday: pretty nice.
Taking a two hour nap in your boss’ office to break up a slow workday: pretty awesome.
::yawn & stretch::
this is probably the best work-related post I have ever seen. and i’m jealous.
I’m putting headphones on. There are few things I loathe more than the sound of phony laughter and contrived enthusiasm from the mouths of cocksucking corporate executives. WHOA DID I REALLY JUST WRITE THAT ON THE INTERNET?!?!?!? UH OH.
June 2008
16 posts
“I always give 100% at work:
13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35%...”
– unknown. (via justlia:lessee) (via seriouslythough)
wow
thewordunheard:
I’ll never get over how hard some people find it to word their work communications with even a modicum of politeness and respect.
Me either.
The Passive Aggressive Coworker
malty:
After reading Kate’s Work Faux Pas and already being irk with my lack of coffee this morning, I was thinking about annoying coworkers (everyone has at least one). Mine is an OCD, passive aggressive, shrill woman who’s uses the word ‘Particularity’ a little too much and not in the right context. Runner up would be the She-Man who sits next to me and Aqua Nets her hair every five minutes...
an overheard conversation from some of the...
thing 1: ugh, these people are so ugly!
thing 2: god, what is it LIKE to have such ugly friends?
thing 1: i dont EVEN know
thing 2: the fact of the matter is its just tit for tat. just ignore her.
thing 1: no i GET it. she's just ugly.
thing 2: she will get hers.
(the rest of the conversation just turned to whispers)
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so...”
– Alexander Graham Bell
the below originally appeared on my personal blog, but i took it down after i deleted every single post i ever wrote about work. it was written after i found a valium in the empty desk of a former coworker whilst looking for a pen:
i am careening down the HOV lane right now. i just stood up and fell back into my chair. goddamnit. i can’t source this quote but a friend of mine used to always say,...
What do you think it says about my social standing at the office, that the people whom I consider my closest colleagues work in the mailroom & security?
Persona non grata →
don’t you hate sales people who can’t turn off the sales? i want to scream into the phone, “stop talking to me like this! you aren’t selling me anything and if you were, i’m not buying it!”
Wizard: Look at it this way. A man takes a job, you know? And that job - I mean, like that - That becomes what he is. You know, like - You do a thing and that's what you are. Like I've been a cabbie for thirteen years. Ten years at night. I still don't own my own cab. You know why? Because I don't want to. That must be what I want. To be on the night shift drivin' somebody else's cab. You understand? I mean, you become - You get a job, you become the job. One guy lives in Brooklyn. One guy lives in Sutton Place. You got a lawyer. Another guy's a doctor. Another guy dies. Another guy gets well. People are born, y'know? I envy you, your youth. Go on, get laid, get drunk. Do anything. You got no choice, anyway. I mean, we're all fucked. More or less, ya know.
Travis Bickle: I don't know. That's about the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Wizard: It's not Bertrand Russell. But what do you want? I'm a cabbie. What do I know? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
Travis Bickle: Maybe I don't know either.
“i want to quit — my whole life. i want to go outside and stick needles in...”
a series of posts from my personal blog that had...
1) my goal this week is to not have the CFO walk past my desk from behind as he always does and see that i am fully engrossed in my bloglines or tumblr… so far, so good. but fuck its only 11:15am on monday
2) k, pact-to-self foiled already. feed reader open to the superficial as CFO heads to lunch past me… he knows. i wish i could get one of those things to stick on my monitor that would block...
i am eavesdropping this douchebag “corporate guy”, who calls everyone buddy, arguing with my former boss, who now works at this company, and who i no longer actually work with, but who works under the corporate guy, and who i absolutely adore and love. the corporate guy is really being rude, and i want to go in there and smack his face with a rolled up pile of insertion orders.
“you don’t understand? because we all understand.” this is how a sales rep just offered to inform an assistant about a project she and others are working on. is there a reality show called office smackdown yet?
“your email forwards crash my outlook”
May 2008
38 posts
i really need to get out of the office. i mean, permanently, not just a day off or a long weekend. i was already (always have been) a crazy person, but i think this place opened up a door in my mind that led me straight down the hallway to true lunacy.
“shun me all you like
i’ve been an outcast all my life”
Lee Dorsey, “Workin’ in a Coal...
what are you, a bad news boyfriend? don’t smile & be nice/friendly to me when we are alone, but then a straight up jerk when other people are around. i’m not your broken spirited girlfriend.
Another pet peeve of mine is when people say “thank you” for things that don’t warrent a thank you. I appreciate the thanks - its better than nothing I guess - but I really hate the short, empty, worthless thanks I get when it seems they are only thanking me because they have the need to feel like I have done something for them, as if they are above me (when they aren’t -...
a major pet peeve of mine is when a person who is of the same rank as i, asks of me, “can we do this?” “do we do this?” “can we get this?”, etc. she doesn’t mean “we” as in “us”, she means “me”. she is asking me to do something for her. we are not doing it together. she’s not doing anything for me, or even...
please stop hovering around my desk and talking about reality shows. i swear to go, listening to the way you talk about other human beings is going to make me become such a better one by osmosis or something. listening to hangry, shallow, uncultured, moronic, vapid, catty and petty sorority-type girls is so incredibly character building i cant even stand it. all that time i was trying to be...
you know what?
shut the fuck up you sit there and blatently laugh, chuckle, snort, guffaw about your personal facebook comments or instant message chatter SO loudly and nobody cares stop trying to make the people around you think you are having a great time. you are sitting in front of a computer in an office.
I'm so hangry I could eat my hand (after I punch...
Hangry is the word I used to describe them. Hangry means that you are SO hungry (likely from depriving yourself of food in order to stay skinny artificially) that you become angry.
Hangry.
These girls go all the day long without consuming more than a morsel and five dozen forms of coffee drinks, all to save up for the one meal of the day, and hopefully its an expensive dinner at a trendy...
plea to self
awaken in me, creativity i have a feeling you have been jostling around in there for a while, as i have been stifling you in this corporate infiltration of mine your pant leg has been caught under the wheel of my swiviling desk chair and it is high time i kicked you free of it
WOW someone in the kitchen just re-heated last night’s tuna pussy casserole surprise. good lord i need some smelling salts ASAP because that stank ass shit just knocked me out.
“ugh! stop talking about doing shots!
people over the age of 25
who rant and...”
Don’t write to me in that tone of voice! « Email... →
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing,...”
– Henry Ford
saturday
i am simply doing nothing at all today. not even the stuff i’m supposed to be doing around the house.
From: [redacted] Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 12:54 PM To: [redacted] Subject: WHAT WAS THAT - THAT WALKED BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From: [redacted] Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 12:55 PM To: [redacted] Subject: RE: WHAT WAS THAT - THAT WALKED BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHA! its a german band called tokio hotel. I KNOW!!! so crazy. From: [redacted] Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 12:56...